The heroine in my latest novel ‘A Family Holiday’ is Charlie French who is an unconventional nanny to four quirky children. Charlie had an unsettled childhood and as a result had anger issues but being resourceful she came up with her own method for managing them effectively – The Kipper List.
The Kipper List was a long list of people that Charlie would like to beat around the head with a wet kipper as an alternative to losing her temper with them.
So in reverse order here is my current Kipper List:
7. The woman that jumped the queue at the self-checkout in my local supermarket and despite realising what she’d done and saying sorry she still carried on and put her shopping through! Rude!
6. My chest of drawers – Yes, of course you can have inanimate objects on the list! My chest of drawers is so full that when I open the top drawer all the others come with it and the bottom one bashes me in the ankle.
5. Donald Trump – I don’t think this one needs any explanation and a wet kipper to the head could only improve that hair.
4. A Blackbird (I don’t have its name) – the one that thinks it’s a good idea to make a noise like an irate alarm clock outside my bedroom window at silly o’clock most mornings.
3. Father Christmas – What? I’m still waiting for those roller boots.
2. Kylo Ren – I will never get over the loss of Han Solo.
1. Lorraine Bowen – Lorraine rose to fame when she sung The Crumble Song on Britain’s Got Talent and received the Golden Buzzer from David Walliams. Twelve months on this song is still being sung repeatedly by my child and it’s driving me potty! Grrr!
Who would be on your Kipper List?
The Kipper List was a long list of people that Charlie would like to beat around the head with a wet kipper as an alternative to losing her temper with them.
So in reverse order here is my current Kipper List:
7. The woman that jumped the queue at the self-checkout in my local supermarket and despite realising what she’d done and saying sorry she still carried on and put her shopping through! Rude!
6. My chest of drawers – Yes, of course you can have inanimate objects on the list! My chest of drawers is so full that when I open the top drawer all the others come with it and the bottom one bashes me in the ankle.
5. Donald Trump – I don’t think this one needs any explanation and a wet kipper to the head could only improve that hair.
4. A Blackbird (I don’t have its name) – the one that thinks it’s a good idea to make a noise like an irate alarm clock outside my bedroom window at silly o’clock most mornings.
3. Father Christmas – What? I’m still waiting for those roller boots.
2. Kylo Ren – I will never get over the loss of Han Solo.
1. Lorraine Bowen – Lorraine rose to fame when she sung The Crumble Song on Britain’s Got Talent and received the Golden Buzzer from David Walliams. Twelve months on this song is still being sung repeatedly by my child and it’s driving me potty! Grrr!
Who would be on your Kipper List?
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